How Twilight Should Have Ended
by Diana-Hunter
Summary: Warning: Do NOT read if you don't enjoy making fun of Edward, Bella and Jacob. Read the title, how I think Twilight should have ended in an awesome parody.
1. Chapter 1

How Twilight Should have ended

A/N: Do NOT read if you are a Twilight, Edward, Bella, or Jacob fan! This is strictly for people who enjoy Twilight bashing! I do not own anything, be it Twilight, Alaska, Sarah Palin, or anything else that may appear in my fic. About all I own is the bag of pretzels sitting next to my computer… But not their copyright, just the right to eat them.

Bella hummed slightly to herself as she walked across the University of Alaska campus. She had been turned into a vampire, and had decided that, since she had gone through high school, she might as well go to college.

"Hey," called Edward as he rushed up to her, and gave her what would have been a human-bone crushing hug.

"Hey," Bella replied back. Even as a vampire, he still managed to take her breath away, the only difference was that now, she didn't need the air. She noticed the obsidian colour of Edward's eyes. "What do you say to a hunting trip tomorrow? I think that we could both use it."

"Agreed," Edward grinned his crooked little grin at her.

The Next Day

The two hunters were out in the woods, trying to find a deer, or other suitable "vegetarian morsel". What they were not aware of, was that they were not the only hunters in the forest that day.

"Mmmmm, this is some good quality deer Edward, you should try it," Bella called as she sucked the life out of Bambi's mother.

Edward sampled it, "You're right, I detect a high vitamin C content, and suitable iron levels." Bella nodded, agreeing.

"Oh, did I tell you that my friend Jacob is coming up to visit? Yeah, he should be here any moment." Edward stared at Bella in shock.

"Bella, do you really think that it's such a good idea-"

"Oh, hi Jacob," Bella greeted the enormous wolf. "Who's my fuzzy puppy? Who's my fuzzy puppy?" Jacob let out what sounded like the wolf equivalent to a bark, and thumped his tail on the ground.

Meanwhile….

"Shhhhh… I think I heard something, that way.." The predator pointed in the direction where she thought she heard her prey.

"I don't know how you can hear anything here." Her companion remarked.

"I'm a hunter, it's one of my abilities." She replied. Her companion shrugged and headed in the direction she was pointing in.

"Bella, would you stop petting the mutt, we're not done here." Edward huffed impatiently.

"Awwww, fuzzy puppy, fuzz puppy," Bella was still cooing.

All of a sudden, a blast of sound ripped through the air, and Jacob's wolf face was shot right off. That wasn't the end of it either, Edward and Bella looked up, to find that they had somehow missed the helicopter that was hovering above the trees.

In the helicopter, the hunter poked her head out, giving Edward and Bella a good glimpse at… former GOP vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin!

"Quick Todd, there's two left!" Shrieked Palin.

"Run Bella, I'll fend her off!" Edward said dramtically to Bella (Why they both didn't run, I don't know, but considering the entire series is illogical…."

"No Edward! I won't leave you!" Bella screamed, when BAM! Both Bella and Edward lay shot and dying.

"Okay Todd, take her up, these ones are too small for trophies, they'll ruin the refudiation of the trophy room," Sarah called. (yes, refudiate is the word that she made up on twitter.

Todd gave her the thumbs up, and took the helicopter up.

"Damn it Edward!" Bella cried dying, "I thought that you said we were immortal, that's the only reason why I loved you in the first place, I was entirely obsessed with not dying and remaining young for all eternity."

"Apparently, even us vampires cannot resist the power of Palin and her helicopter huntingness." Edward replied before what Bella said really sunk in. "Wait, we're lying here, dying and the last thing you're telling me is that you never really loved me, but just wanted immortality?"

"Pretty much," Bella affirmed.

"Just checking," Edward answered. "By the way, you're a whiny, self involved bitch."

And with that, they both died.

This is the satisfying ending to my tale. I hope you enjoyed it, both Palin lovers and haters alike, and Twilight haters… Just haters, although, if you like Twilight and this, then I salute your open mindedness.

Peace out,

Diana


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you for all of the wonderful reviews! So, at first I thought that I was never going to do another chapter for this, because how can you top Palin shooting Bella, Edward and Jacob in the face? But then I decided that it deserved an epilogue. I don't think I can really top Palin helicopter shooting those three, but I decided that the other Cullens deserved a little time, especially seeing as I actually sort of like some of them. Rosalie is a bitch to Bella (at least somebody is!), Emmett and Alice are actually kind of cool, and Jasper is a fellow Texan. The others are just sort of mildly annoying. And I'm tired of studying for finals (I only have one left, and I have like a 99 in that class so I thought I could take some time off to write.) Remember, Renesme Carly (she should join the terrible name club along with Scorpius Hyperion and Albus Severus) does not exist in this storyline. I own nothing, not Twilight, or Alaska, or Sarah Palin, or Jenga or Spongebob. I am having the hardest time submitting this, because I do not want to ruin the purity of the story, so please review and let me know whether or not it is a total disaster.

Epilogue

"I wonder where Edward and Bella could be?" remarked Esme as she absent mindedly cleaned a plate with one hand, cause that's what motherly figures do.

"I dunno," replied Emmett from another room where he and Jasper were playing extreme Jenga, in which the tower was currently defying the laws of gravity. "Maybe they're out breaking another house," Emmett grinned at Jasper who grinned back, but in typical Jasper-way, did not say anything.

"Seriously," muttered Rosalie, "we had the hardest time explaining to their neighbors the last time they broke a house. How do you explain to somebody how two naked people broke through not only the wall in their bedroom, but also the wall in their neighbors' living room in which their three children, one five year old girl, a twelve year old boy and a seventeen year old girl were all watching Spongebob Squarepants? And even then they just kept right at it!"

"The twelve year old boy didn't seem to mind, he took pictures, it was probably pretty educational for him. And the seventeen year old girl didn't seem all that impressed. The five year old though, she was probably scarred for life," Emmett smiled at the memory. "Those two have turned into real nymphomaniacs haven't they?" He suddenly felt a random surge of anger as he roared and knocked over the Jenga tower. "Damnit Rosalie! How come we've never broken another person house while having sex and then done it in front of their kids!" Rosalie just stared at him as though he was crazy while Jasper's grin got even bigger in the background.

"I win," Jasper said quietly, and they all stared at him in surprise.

"I thought that you were a mute," Rosalie commented.

"You cheated!" Emmett yelled as he pointed a finger at Jasper.

"Yeah, I was beginning to think he was a mute too, he never makes a peep, ever." Alice had waltzed into the room and gave Jasper a peck on the cheek before giving Rosalie a meaningful glance. Rosalie stifled a giggle at the mental picture.

"Hey Alice?" Esme was still cleaning the same dish, even though they, as vampires, didn't need dishes and never ate anything, and had super speed so could clean dishes very quickly, and were rich and could afford a million dish washers.

"Mmmm?" Alice purred as she began playing Jenga with Jasper instead.

"Do you know where Edward and Bella are?" They all noticed how her tone tightened on Bella, she'd liked her as a human, but she was the whiniest and bitchiest vampire ever, and Esme was starting to believe that Bella only loved immortality, not Edward.

"I don't know," Alice mused for a second, "they're with the mutt today. But hey! Has anybody been watching the news today?"

"No, why?" Rosalie was the one who asked this, although she and Emmett were almost out the door, going to break a house of their own.

"Apparently Alaska legalized helicopter hunting today. Palin must be very happy, but I feel that we need to tell 'Bedward' so that their pet pooch doesn't get shot." She used the nickname for the two that Emmett had come up with.

"Okay, yeah we'll… uh… call them as soon as we get into the car," Emmett stammered, not really meaning it as he picked Rosalie up and ran out to the car, the sooner to scar some poor person's kids for life.

"Oh well," muttered Alice, "I'm sure it'll be fine."

"What'll be fine?" Carlisle had just gotten home from the hospital.

"Oh, I thought maybe we should let the newlyweds know about the new helicopter hunting law in Alaska, but what's the worst that could happen?"

Carlisle nodded, "Please Alice, we're vampires, not even Sarah Palin and her helicopter-huntingness could kill us." The other Cullens all nodded in agreement.

They had no idea how wrong they were…..


End file.
